Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Letter #16: Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez
500 S Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521-6369

Dearest Selena Gomez:

I have a question for you: If someone says that they are singing in the key of C, what on earth does that even mean? I ask because you are a singer and thus get the whole thing about “keys”.

While I have you, I’ll give you a protip for dealing with people who insult you. If someone says to you “Your mamma”, all you have to do is say, “My mamma is very nice and I love her.” It’s sort of like fighting fire with fire.

I have one last thing to request, in humility. Many people refer to you as talented. Therefore, I was wondering if you could send me a poster of a monkey wearing a graduation cap. This has parallels to your situation because how can a monkey graduate? And how can someone so young and beautiful as you have so much talent?

I humbly await your reply because I am sick or even in the hospital and my last wish is for you to reply.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Letter #15: Mitt Romney

Romney for President, Inc.
Post Office Box 149756
Boston, MA 02114-9756

Dear Mitt Romney 2012: I suspect that you may not know me. If this is the case then I don't blame you at all because you are a big super star who goes to other countries and probably knows Madonna. There are two things that I know about you: (1) You are a big super star who may or may not know Madonna, and (2) that I really only know one thing about you. These two indisputable facts of nature lead me to the question that is on my mind which is, can I have a gigantic poster of you to hang on my wall? If you were holding a gun or kissing a lady friend of yours that would be perfect, but if you're just standing in front of your bathroom door that would be fine too (in the bathroom door scenario, ideally, there would be a lady friend of yours behind you playing the tambourine or something, but I’m open minded on this important issue).

I think bribery is illegal so I'll just state this as a hard cold fact: I will vote for you in 2016 if you will send me a poster. Of course it’s possible that I would vote for you anyway, so that's why it's not illegal bribery. But if you send me a poster then you won’t even have to wonder!

[My name]
[My address]

Letter #14: Dr Phil

Email sent to Dr Phil:

Dear Dr Phil’s Show That’s On At 10AM Here: I need to write to you about my sincere need to receive help from you for my innocent young child. I want my innocent child to have all that is best in the world of opinions and stores, including understanding global warming. I want this child to have all of the advantages that come from caring about racism, the environment, and Hillary Clinton, but I also want him or her to have the advantages that come from having stuff like iPads and baseball jerseys. This stuff that I’m saying is really important and sincere. Please point me to a book on tape that can help.

Also, can I have a poster of Dr. Phil lounging back on a couch as if he was the one who sincerely needed assistance from himself? Sort of like a hunter becomes the hunted type of motif?

Thank you for your time and posters.

[My Name]
[My Email Address]

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Letter #13: Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts
C/O International Creative Management
Attn: E. Goldsmith
8942 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90211-1934

Dear Julia Roberts: FYI, I call you J-Rob and I always say to people that the "E" in your name is for "enchanting".

I'm sure you know that it is not creepy at all to write to someone just because you're wondering something. Here's what I'm wondering: Have you ever written new lyrics to the tune of Camp Town Races? It's extremely unlikely that you have, but I'm just confirming for my records. I know that you are very busy with your schedule of teaching us all how to love again, but I would simply like a Yes or a No answer to this very easy question. Please write your answer on a 3x5 card or a Post-It note and send it back to me.

Thank you.

[my name]
[my address]

PS: Do you like sweets?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Letter #12: Dolly Madison

Interstate Brands Corporation
Consumer Affairs
12 E. Armour Blvd.
Kansas City, MO 64111

Dear a Zinger: It's quite possible that there are many people who are wondering why it is that I'm writing a letter to the makers of Zingers right now. Unfortunately, I'll never know whether or not this is true because I'm sitting in my room by myself doing the exact thing that they are wondering about.

I only have one complaint about Zingers and that is that I'm not eating one! They are so delicious! My second complaint is: Can I have a big picture of a zinger? It would probably just be sitting there on a table or something because after all it's just a cake-treat.

Please send this to me in the mail. Thanks!

[my name]
[my address]

Letter #11: Tyson Chicken

Tyson Foods, Inc.
P.O. Box 2020
Springdale, AR 72764-6999

Dear Tyson Chicken: Hello, I'm a chicken. Why do you eat me to death? Why do you cook me in your ovens and then make me your lunch of murder? Actually, what is an oven? I'm a chicken so I've never heard of that word.

Just kidding about being a chicken (for example, how could I type? or know the word "lunch"?). But I really am a human and I'm writing this letter to you. I was going to have a chicken for dinner tonight and I started to wonder if I could have a corporate Tyson poster or a signed picture of one of your corporate leaders, maybe sitting in a nice chair with a pen on his ear. I would like to put this poster or picture above my table. Please send me one if this can be arranged.

If it cannot be arrange, please consider not killing chickens in totally cruel and unspeakable ways anymore. Thank you.

[my name]
[my address]

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Letter #10: Stephen King

Stephen King
Academic Marketing Department
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014-3657

Dear Stephen King's Books: I'm not saying that you need new ideas or anything like that. But I just told this story to my sister and she totally freaked. Here it is:

Once upon a time, probably a couple of weeks ago or so, there was a ghost. Totally not pretend. It's really real. Then all you have to do is imagine the scariest thing that you've ever thought of in your entire life and that's what the ghost was carrying.

If you make the effort to really imagine this type of thing happening, it's very disconcerting. And what's worse is that it happened just a couple of blocks away from wherever you live.

I'm not saying you should use it in a book or anything, it's just a super scary idea, that's all. Can I have a poster of you, please?

[My Name]
[My Address]

Letter #9 Aerosmith


c/o HK Management
9200 Sunset Blvd. #530
Los Angeles, CA 90069

Dear Aerosmith:

You don't know me, but I have seen you once on TV. The thing is, I totally want a giant poster of Def Leppard. Unfortunately, I can't find any poster stores, and I can't find Def Leppard's home address. I figured you might know him and might be able to forward this request to his house. Thank you for any help you can provide.

I would like the poster to be really big, and I would like it to feature Def Leppard looking like he's rocking really really hard.

[My Name]

[My Address]

PS: I have included an extra stamp in this envelope so you don't have to pay for the postage to forward this.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Response to Letter #8

Apparently I got this a few weeks ago, but I didn't see it until today. It's not a funny letter by itself, but if you take it in the context of my original complaint it's hilarious.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Letter #8: Hostess Cupcakes

Interstate Brands Corporation
Consumer Affairs
12 E. Armour Blvd.
Kansas City, MO 64111

Dear Cupcakes:

I just finished eating some Hostess Cupcakes. I'm not saying this to be rude or anything, but the cake part is sort of boring compared to the frosting. Thought you'd want some feedback.

[My Name]
[My Address]

Letter #7: Excedrin

Novartis Consumer Health, Inc.
445 State Street
Fremont, MI 49413

Dear Aspirin: I wonder if you can give me some advice. My head hurts, which I know you know a lot about, but my wrist hurts too. Why would that be?

[My Name]
[My Address]

Letter #6: Stephen Hawking

Dear Physics, c/o Steven Hawking:

Steven Hawking, you are extremely smart and that's why I want a giant wall poster of you in my room. To me intelligence is even more attractive than most of the "normal" looking people on TV. Like Tim Russert, for example. Will you please send me a poster of you?

[My Name]
[My Address]

PS: On a scale of smart, if the internet is a 10, you are a nine. That might sound like an insult, but it's totally a compliment if you think about how much the whole internet knows. Thank you.

Letter #5: Brad Pitt

Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825

Dear Glory Dayz:

This letter is intended for Brad Pitt, but I can't find his address. If you're asking yourself, "Why is he writing to Brad Pitt?" My response is, "Why are you asking that? It's just a letter."

Here's the thing: I would really like Brad Pitt to write a song for me. I'm one of his biggest fans and I have all of his giant wall posters. I even have a mural that looks like Africa from space. I'm not sick or starving or anything, unless you count being sick of not having a song written for me by Brad Pitt.

Please respond with any information or free stuff that you have handy. Thank you.

[My Name]
[My Address]

Letter #4: Hillary Clinton

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Hilary Clinton for President:

If you’re going to be the next President of the United States, then what am I supposed to do if I don’t have any health care or money or neat things like iPods? It seems like that would be something you would want to have on your radar, like in the movies about presidents.

If it pleases you, send a simple poster of yourself to me. Nothing too presidential, just you with your hair in a bun or something.


[My Name]
[My Address]

PS: Where did the term “than the Dickens” come from? Like “It’s hotter than the Dickens”?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Letter #3: Oprah

Harpo Studios Address
1058 West Washington, Chicago, IL

Dear Oprah’s TV Show:

When I watch your show I always look under my seat to find stuff, but it is never there. I wanted to let you know that I moved a couple of years ago to a new address, just in case.

I don’t want anything free from you, of course, because love is all I need to be happy about getting free stuff. But if you want to send me something, please send a poster of you, a free car, and the keys that will make the second thing on my list start driving.

[My Name]
[My Address]

PS: What is your favorite color?

Letter #2: Cyndi Lauper

Sony Music Online Services
550 Madison Ave, 24th Fl
New York, NY 10022-3211

Dear Cyndi Laupers House:

I know that your talent makes you a target for people who just want something from you. But this letter is different because what I want from you is really simple and not even hard at all: A poster of you.

If you send me a poster I will give you a ring that my great grandmother left to me. She found it in my backyard by the swingset a couple of weeks ago. In my opinion it is made of smooth metal or plastic, but who am I to say? What do I look like, Goldman Sachs?

Please send the poster to:
[my name]
[my address]

PS: On a scale of one to ten, what is your favorite thing to do?

Letter #1: Star Wars

P.O. Box 29901
San Francisco, CA 94129

Dear Star Wars: I really enjoyed your last three movies. I couldn't help thinking that you could have included more jumping, and possibly a little more stabbing. I liked listening to the short fella with the attitude, but the guy with the white pantsuit wasn't "believable" to me. He was all like, "Hey, look at me! I'm cool!" I just didn't buy it. As a viewer I wanted to know he was cool, not just be told. However, overall, I would give your movie an 8.5. Just a hint more stabbing could have pushed it to a 9. I just thought you might be interested in some feedback on your fine production. I would like a free poster of you if you have one.

Thank you.