Letter #13: Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts
C/O International Creative Management
Attn: E. Goldsmith
8942 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90211-1934
USA

Dear Julia Roberts: FYI, I call you J-Rob and I always say to people that the "E" in your name is for "enchanting".

I'm sure you know that it is not creepy at all to write to someone just because you're wondering something. Here's what I'm wondering: Have you ever written new lyrics to the tune of Camp Town Races? It's extremely unlikely that you have, but I'm just confirming for my records. I know that you are very busy with your schedule of teaching us all how to love again, but I would simply like a Yes or a No answer to this very easy question. Please write your answer on a 3x5 card or a Post-It note and send it back to me.

Thank you.

[my name]
[my address]

PS: Do you like sweets?

Letter #12: Dolly Madison

Interstate Brands Corporation
Consumer Affairs
12 E. Armour Blvd.
Kansas City, MO 64111

Dear a Zinger: It's quite possible that there are many people who are wondering why it is that I'm writing a letter to the makers of Zingers right now. Unfortunately, I'll never know whether or not this is true because I'm sitting in my room by myself doing the exact thing that they are wondering about.

I only have one complaint about Zingers and that is that I'm not eating one! They are so delicious! My second complaint is: Can I have a big picture of a zinger? It would probably just be sitting there on a table or something because after all it's just a cake-treat.

Please send this to me in the mail. Thanks!

[my name]
[my address]

Letter #11: Tyson Chicken

Tyson Foods, Inc.
P.O. Box 2020
Springdale, AR 72764-6999

Dear Tyson Chicken: Hello, I'm a chicken. Why do you eat me to death? Why do you cook me in your ovens and then make me your lunch of murder? Actually, what is an oven? I'm a chicken so I've never heard of that word.

Just kidding about being a chicken (for example, how could I type? or know the word "lunch"?). But I really am a human and I'm writing this letter to you. I was going to have a chicken for dinner tonight and I started to wonder if I could have a corporate Tyson poster or a signed picture of one of your corporate leaders, maybe sitting in a nice chair with a pen on his ear. I would like to put this poster or picture above my table. Please send me one if this can be arranged.

If it cannot be arrange, please consider not killing chickens in totally cruel and unspeakable ways anymore. Thank you.

[my name]
[my address]